Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
