Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
