filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
