I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
