you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
