mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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