the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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