You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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