The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
