you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
