I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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