You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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