how can u be prego again
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
