bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
