My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
