um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
