He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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