he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
