If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
