I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
