The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
