4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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