worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
