I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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