Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
