remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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