I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
