New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
