No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
