he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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