Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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