We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
