He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
