totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
