Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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