Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
