Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
