You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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