Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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