Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
