I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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