so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
