Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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