I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
