It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
