I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
