I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
