I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
