I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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