I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
