Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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