If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
