I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
