why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
